Explaining The Friend Rules

Explaining The Friend Rules

~Lavatiger

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(Mount Justice)

Conner walked alone through the halls of the cave, content with his random wanderings of mind and body. Today had been a great day for him. He had finally made his first date plans with Megan, and had gotten an A on his Bio exam. Now he just had to show it to Canary and finds some magnets for the fridge.

Twang! Hearing the sound, Superboy turned suddenly, only to find himself held to the wall by six arrows and a few bird-a-rangs. A cackle rang out, and out of the shadows came two figures. "Robin? Artemis? What the h***?"

Artemis stalked up with an evil smile on her face, and a Bowie knife in hand. "Thanks Rob. I think the bird-a-rangs did the trick."

"Not a problem. And Arty, you can't kill him," the Boy Wonder nagged.

"Oh, I won't." The tone of her voice was only a little less frightening than the knife in her hand, but only just. "Um, I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE H*** IS GOING ON!" roared the Kryptonian, who, despite his super-strength, couldn't escape the weapons that held him affixed to the wall.

"Oh, Artemis wants to talk about something with you." As he started the leave, the Boy Wonder mumbled something that only Superboy could here. "Don't worry. Canary will be here soon."

Not hearing the mumbled warning to the clone, Artemis said, "Now let us begin."She reached around to her scarf to her quiver and pulled out a rolled piece of fabric, which unrolled to reveal a startling amount of knives, scalpels, vials, syringes, and other instruments of terror. Hearing the struggling, she said, "Oh, don't even try to escape. The arrows have Kryptonite enriched tips." Seeing the clone pale, she reassured, "Don't worry. The effects will wear off. Unless…"

"UNLESS WHAT?"

The archer pulled out a syringe filled with a clear solution and tapped at the tip, producing a few droplets that fell to the floor. "Unless you don't comply. Then I'd have to introduce you to some of my friends. Ms. Cyanide, for example." She held up the syringe so that Conner could see it, and then started to caress it. "So pretty in the vial, but so deadly out. Like another friend of mine, Blaine." All of the sudden, her scarf moved, and unraveled, revealing an gigantic eight foot boa constrictor who started to climb up the arm of the clone.

The clone started to hyperventilate. Snakes were his one true fear. Wally had made him watch the Anaconda marathon when he had first escaped his pod, effectively scarring him for life.

"And now you ask how I know your debilitating fear of snakes? A little birdie told me, after a bigger birdie told him." She caressed the snake's head, and in turn the beast hissed. "Isn't she beautiful? Purebred Burmese Python, direct from my cousins in Vietnam. They found her eating mice in the barn when she was only a foot long. They shipped her over five years ago. She's great pest control for our apartment, along with her mate, TJ. He's only six feet long, but he's wider around then her."

The snake wrapped all around Conner's body, twice around his neck, four times around his ample chest, and still had extra length. Even though the clone didn't know it, Blaine was having fun watching the boy twitch. Her master had trained her well, so that she knew that she couldn't squeeze humans, unless master said to. Or if the human deserved it.

"Artemis. Why. Is. This. Thing. On. Me?" Conner looked at the demon that was wrapped around his body again, and almost swore that the thing was laughing at him. "Shut up demon serpent!"

Artemis slapped him. "Be nice to my snake! Or else I'll get Timmy!"

"Let me guess, your cobra!"

Artemis touched one finger to her nose and pointed the other at the clone, indicating that he had been correct. "Now that I have you where I want you, let's begin!"

Seeing the chipper disposition of the archer, Conner let his guard down as far as it could go with a snake wrapped around him, only to be shocked when a knife imbedded itself into the wall next to his face with a thud, causing a yelp of surpirise.

A look of pure murder was on the face of Artemis. "Now listen to me and listen to me well. You will not hurt my friend. You break Megan's heart, I break your face. Make her cry, I make you die. Hit her, and be hit; with my truck. If you force her to do anything, I will castrate you and put your **** in a jar. So help me, if you ever hurt her, I will tie you own to a stretching post and let all of my snakes play with you, and inject you with Red Kryptonite. Kapishe?"

Too frightened to respond, Conner only nodded numbly.

Back to her happy self, the archeress replied, "Okay then!" and proceeded to free the Kryptonian from the arrows. Noticing the reluctance of the python to come untangled, she added, "I think Blaine has taken a liking to you."

"That's great. Can go now?"

Artemis tipped her head to the side and grinned widly. "Have a nice day!"

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From then on, whenever Conner got angry at M'gann, he remembered that fateful day, and to this day, he wonders where Artemis had gotten all the Kryptonite.